


I don't know who I am, but I know I'm yours

by toflowerknights



Series: i knew you from before [3]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M, and it gave me enough motivation to continue this, the trailer left me a bit unsatisfied
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-10
Updated: 2015-02-11
Packaged: 2018-02-20 13:54:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2431253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toflowerknights/pseuds/toflowerknights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They found Octavia. He would've said that they found each other, but that seemed a bit too much given the fact that they hadn't and, probably, wouldn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. when you least expect it...

**Author's Note:**

> this will not make much sense if you haven't read the previous parts. luckily for you, they're both great!

"You know, things would be going a lot faster if you two would just stop staring at each other every five seconds."

Finn ducked his head and made a weird noise in the back of his throat, but Bellamy simply gave Octavia the finger to show her that she didn't get to him. Which, of course, was a complete lie. But it would feel irresponsible to let his little sister know that. She had enough blackmail material on him as it was. She smiled sweetly at him before continuing walking throughout the woods. Next to her Lincoln walked in complete silence, didn't even utter a word when Octavia talked to him, and the only time he opened his mouth was when he told them which way to go. Bellamy liked him better this way, he couldn't deny it.

When he threw a glance to his right Finn's eyes met his and they shared a small smile before Bellamy looked straight ahead again. Bellamy was still confused as hell over everything that had happened since they got separated from the rest of the group, but he was learning to accept it a little bit better. When he first had gotten down on the ground... When he first saw Finn after all those years he didn't know what to do. Fortunately Finn seemed to have an answer, as he completely ignored Bellamy save for a few arguments here and there. For a few days Bellamy thought that Finn maybe didn't remember him, but the glances Finn kept throwing at him when he thought no one saw told him otherwise. At first it had bothered Bellamy, but after a while he understood that there was too much they didn't know, or like, about each other. It was better to have one good memory that wasn't ruined.

But then they were alone and all Bellamy could see was an opportunity to get to know him better. It was half stupidity and half curiosity that made him curl up behind Finn that first night, and when he started it seemed impossible to stop. And just like Bellamy, Finn seemed okay with not talking about it. For someone who didn't know what the hell was happening, or even what they wanted to happen, that was a good thing. Especially since there still was something about Finn that made Bellamy want to break everything he came close to. He irritated him to no end with his 'no violence if possible' policy and the fact that he seemed to know Bellamy better than himself.

At the same time he didn't know what he would do if Finn was suddenly to disappear from his life. That probably bothered him more.

Things were starting to look familiar. He could see burned trees further ahead and without thinking he sped up his steps. He wasn't particularly excited to see the people they had left behind, but for some reason it felt like they were coming home.

There was people everywhere. More than last time. Octavia was already running into the crowd, screaming with joy and she threw herself around Jasper and Monty's shoulders and they spun her around while shouting something that sounded like a war cry toward the sky. Bellamy felt a laugh escape his throat and he smiled widely as he saw his people, what was left of them, run toward them in greeting. He saw Miller and let out a low grunt as he crashed into him in a half hug. Everyone he thought he might never see again came up to give them a pat on the back, or a hug and Bellamy felt as if a weight had been lifted from his chest.

He saw a flash of blonde hair moving toward them.

"Bellamy? _Finn_?" Bellamy barely had any time to react before Clarke's arms were around him, pulling him into a crushing hug. She pulled back a moment later and he got a chance to take a look at her. She looked good. Healthy. She had a scar running down the entire length of her right arm, but other than that she looked exactly the same. Maybe her hair was a bit longer. Finn was given the same treatment as him and he could see a smile play on Finn's features. He relaxed into Clarke's embrace and wrapped his arms around her. When they pulled away Clarke was staring at him like she was seeing a ghost. Something ugly twisted itself in Bellamy's mind.

"You're alive," she breathed in amazement. Finn gave her a quick nod and then she kissed him. Bellamy felt something break inside of him and he couldn't do anything but watch Clarke kiss Finn for what seemed like forever. Finn's hands came to rest on her shoulders and a moment later the kiss was over. Finn had an embarrassed look on his face and he cast a quick glance at Bellamy as he wiped his mouth.

Clarke didn't seem to feel the tension, she simply grabbed Finn's hand and began to drag him away. "There is so much you need to know," Bellamy could hear her say, "Have you met my mom yet? She told me you were here, but I didn't want to believe it." They disappeared in the crowd and left Bellamy alone.

He felt a gentle hand on his elbow and turned to see Octavia's strained smile. "I'm sorry," she said and Bellamy felt himself close off completely.

"It's fine," he said tersely. Octavia shrugged and still looked like she wanted to apologise again. Instead of waiting for it to happen he grabbed her hand and began to follow Clarke and Finn to hear what she had to say.

-

"... and then they just let us go," Clarke finished just as Bellamy and Octavia stepped through the doors to the dropship. Kane and Abby was inside with a handful other people, including Jasper and Monty who gave Bellamy brilliant smiles when they saw him. He nodded and forced himself to return the smile when their faces fell. "Some tests to make sure that we weren't infected, some negotiations, more negotiations and a minor uprising before they realised we would take them all out or die trying if they didn't let us go."

Bellamy saw Abby suppress a flinch and he wondered if she realised the consequences that came out of their decision to send teenagers to do grown ups work. Did Abby realise the things they did to survive turned her daughter into a complete stranger? Did she try to ignore the fact that, the more they spent time with each other, she wouldn't be able to deny it. Bellamy hoped that she didn't start watching Clarke with the same mistrust and disgust she did him and Finn.

"I'm so glad you're all alive," Clarke said with a wide smile and Octavia covered her mouth to hide a huff. Bellamy felt a small smile tug at his lips at his sister's irritation, but nodded toward Clarke in agreement.

"Where's Raven?"

Clarke froze. Finn was looking at her expectantly, and Bellamy suddenly wished they'd never gone back.

"Raven," Clarke began and she was wringing her hands together to keep them from shaking, "She... she was in very bad shape when they got here. They took her up to Mount Weather and operated on her."

"And?"

Clarke looked helplessly at Bellamy, who was at once painfully aware of the painful grip Octavia had on his arm. "Finn..." she whispered, "She didn't make it. She bled out on the table and the couldn't revive her."

A shadow passed over Finn's face and Bellamy could almost see the hand that wrapped itself around his heart and squeezed. No one moved a muscle as they watched Finn take in the news. A choked breath escaped his lips and a moment later Finn fled the dropship. Clarke got up from her chair to follow him, but Bellamy stopped her.

"I'll go," Bellamy said instinctively and Clarke looked at him in surprise. "I got it," he repeated and the he was out the door.

-

There was no trace of Finn in the camp, but Bellamy didn't let that discourage him and started jogging the way he suspected Finn had gone. His hunch was confirmed a few minutes later when he saw Finn sitting on the riverbank they had spent their first nights alone. There was still pieces of burned wood left from where they had made a fire. His back was turned to him and he didn't react when Bellamy sat down next to him. 

Bellamy carefully studied Finn's profile pressed his lips together when he saw the emptiness in Finn's eyes. 

His fingers were fiddling with something and when Bellamy took a closer look he saw the necklace Raven always had worn. His fingers caressed the metal like it would somehow come to life and bring Raven with it. There were angry, red dents in his palms where the metal had dug in and Bellamy reached out a tentative hand and covered Finn's carefully. Finn's hands stilled and went limp. With a shaky breath he opened his mouth.

"Raven used to do this thing with her mouth whenever she was upset," Finn said with a rough voice. "She would press them really tight together, so that no one would see them trembling. Couldn't afford to be weak." He cleared his throat quietly. "She was so angry when they arrested me. If they hadn't done it I'm pretty sure she would've killed me for being that... that reckless. She couldn't even talk, she just pressed her lips together over and over again." He threw Bellamy a quick glance and gave him a small, crooked smile. "It went on like that for nearly a month's visitation before she could talk to me. And even then the only thing she could say to me was how stupid I was for doing what I did. I couldn't do anything but laugh. Which of course made her even angrier..." He cleared his throat again. Tightened his fists slightly. "She was my best friend."

Finn quietened for a while and looked at their hands in his lap. Bellamy could see the wheels turning in his head, trying to make sense of all he had found out. When he spoke his voice was no more than a whisper. "I never thought I'd be forced to live without her." In an instant Bellamy had his arms wrapped around Finn and pulled him into a hug. Ugly, horrible sobs wrecked through Bellamy's body as Finn clutched the material of Bellamy's jacket with desperate hands. He clung to him like a lifeline and Bellamy didn't think he would've been able to let him go even if he was forced to. Tears collected in the crook of Bellamy's neck from where Finn hid his face and Bellamy could hear broken whines being muffled against his shirt.

Bellamy wrapped a hand into Finn's curls and pressed him closer. "I'm so sorry," he whispered against his hair. "I'm so sorry." He repeated again and again, and when it felt like that wasn't enough he just let Finn cry for as long as he needed to. He blinked and when he opened his eyes again they were blurry.


	2. i hope that you can see me now

Finn was a ghost.

During the days he walked slowly around camp like a pale shadow, making everyone around him silence, and during the nights he clung to Bellamy while his dreams made him cry those loud, echoing sobs that Bellamy was pretty sure would haunt him forever. His fists clawed at Bellamy's shirt and Bellamy couldn't do anything but be there for him as he grieved.

The worst part was that Bellamy knew exactly how he felt. He had seen the same pale, empty expression in his own reflection the two years he'd gone without his mother or Octavia. He had looked, and felt, like he had been locked up in the dark for years with no sleep. He was pretty sure that some of it was due to the lack of oxygen on the Ark and the fact that he had never seen the sun. But Finn had sun. And he had enough air to last him a lifetime.

It just wasn't enough.

The first night Clarke had asked Finn if he needed some company, and Finn had stared at her for a few beats before nodding. Bellamy's heart had sunk a few inches before Finn walked past Clarke and grabbed Bellamy's hand in his. He then led a stunned Bellamy out of the tent they had been gathered in and pulled him into the dropship and the second floor which had been their home once. Then he had pushed Bellamy onto the floor and fitted his body next to his. No words were spoken and the only thing Bellamy could think of was how things would've been better if they had stayed gone. For one, ugly second he thought it would've been better if Octavia had gone with Lincoln and never seen him again. The thought punched him in the gut with guilt.

Bellamy was sitting in front of the dropship like he had done so many weeks ago and watched Finn make his way through the camp in a slow pace. He stopped to talk with Jasper and Monty on the way, and even managed a small smile as they started talking. 

"You know, there was so many things I wanted to say to him when I found out he was alive."

Bellamy startled, looked up and relaxed slightly when he saw Clarke smile down at him. She jumped off the ledge onto the ground and leaned against it. Her elbow brushed against Bellamy's and he moved slightly to make space for her. Eyebrows raised he faced her and she cleared her throat awkwardly.

"They told me they hadn't found any survivors," she said steadily, but her eyes was firmly on the ground. "I was so sure you both were dead. I even grieved for you, for a bit." A small, sad smile covered Clarke's features and she licked her lips before continuing. "I thought it would be easier, being out here again. Especially when I found out you were alive. I thought we could just go back..."

Her eyes focused on Finn, who was still standing in between Jasper and Monty, but watching the two of them quietly. "What happened to you two?" she asked suddenly, and if Bellamy didn't know her better he would've thought she sounded accusing. "Last time I saw you used to hate each other."

Bellamy scratched his neck and wondered what he could say to explain. His gaze caught Finn's and he couldn't help but give him a quick smile. Finn returned it quickly, and then it was as if he remembered, because his face fell and turned into the blank canvas it had been for the past couple of days. It was hard to watch. And he knew that Clarke wouldn't understand what they had been through, just like he didn't understand what she had told him about Mount Weather. Because Bellamy had never really hated Finn. Far from it. But that would be even worse to tell her than the lie she believed now, and Bellamy decided to go easy on her.

"Maybe things have changed," Bellamy said steadily and kept his eyes firmly on the hollow of Clarke's throat, so that he wouldn't have to look her in the eyes.

"Yeah," Clarke said slowly and studied him intently, like she saw something new. "Maybe they have."

She left him soon after that, and Bellamy didn't know if he felt better or worse than before.

-

"You and Clarke looked cosy before," Finn said quietly a few steps in front of him. Finn had told him he needed to get away from all the people around them and Bellamy had let himself be dragged through a foxhole and out into the woods. They didn't tell anyone they were going, but Bellamy had somehow managed to pick Octavia out from the crowd and given her a small nod. Bellamy huffed slightly and took two large steps, which ended with him next to Finn.

"Shouldn't I have said the same thing to you a few days ago?" he asked and tried to keep his voice neutral. Finn threw a glance to the side and gave him a tiny smile in return.

"Sorry," he mumbled and Bellamy gave him a non committal hum. They came to a small clearing in the middle of the woods and Finn took a few steps before sitting down on the ground. Bellamy, who didn't know what else to do, joined him. They didn't speak for a while, but Bellamy was comforted by the warmth from Finn's arm against his.

There was so much Bellamy wanted to ask, to say, but he didn't because he didn't want to say the wrong thing. There was a lot of things he wanted to do as well. Things he hadn't shared with Finn yet, and probably wouldn't because Finn was hurting and Bellamy was trying really hard not to be the asshole he usually was. He reached out and placed a warm hand on Finn's knee, just because he couldn't stand not touching him. It always bothered Bellamy, whenever things got out of his control. And they always seemed to do that with Finn.

Finn leaned into his touch and Bellamy was once again struck by how effortless this seemed. He knew they should talk about it, would have to eventually, but that could make things messy. And things had been messy for so long that he felt like he could be selfish for a little while longer. At least in this.

"You..." he cut himself off immediately, searching for the right words. "You can talk about her, if you want to. I don't mind." Finn stilled beside him and Bellamy tightened his grip slightly around Finn's thigh so that he wouldn't move.

"Why?"

Bellamy sighed. "Because you loved her. She was your best friend and she died. And I'm here for you... if you want me." The words left his mouth too fast and he was painfully aware of they meant, but somehow he couldn't bring himself to take them back. He meant them.

A moment passed between them while Finn took in what Bellamy had revealed. He sunk deeper into Bellamy and let out a long, shaky sigh. "I don't know what to say," he started finally. "She... was my best friend. I don't want her to be dead. I want her to one day walk through the gates and it'll be like nothing happened. That's what I want." His voice shook a bit and he took a deep breath before he continued. "Everything hurts." He said it in a low and bitter tone and he made his fingers into claws as he tore up grass from the ground. "And I want it to, because that means I won't forget her."

It looked like he wanted to say more, but when he opened his mouth no words came out. He exhaled and his shoulders slumped.

"Why do you want to hear this?" Finn asked lowly. "You hated her."

Bellamy shook his head quickly. "No, I didn't hate her. I didn't." He thought of Raven's determination, her strong will that seemed to power through no matter how shitty a situation got. He knew that she would've fought until her last breath and that her fight wouldn't be forgotten. At least not by him. Definitely not by Finn. "I didn't hate her," he repeated.

"What was it then?" Finn asked, like he really wanted to know. He picked up a branch from the ground and started breaking off twig after twig. Bellamy had realised a while back that he did it to keep his hands busy. He had taken to wearing Raven's necklace and would pull on it whenever he thought of her. It happened a lot. Bellamy pressed his lips together and wondered what had made him feel the hostility he had toward Raven. The answer was stupidly simple.

"Maybe I was jealous," Bellamy said and carefully studied Finn's profile from the corner of his eye.

Finn managed to get out a low scoff and he broke the twig in two. "Why?" he asked, like he couldn't believe the stupidity that had left Bellamy's mouth.

"'Cause she had you."

He heard a sharp intake of breath as Finn snapped his head around to face Bellamy. Bellamy forced himself to meet his gaze, to show him that he meant it, and Finn's lips pressed together in a shaky line.

"Bellamy... don't," he whispered and Bellamy shook his head to stop him from saying anything else.

"I'm not saying this to get a certain reaction, or for you to tell me... anything," Bellamy said steadily, though his heart was pounding heavily in his chest. "I'm not giving you an ultimatum. I'm telling you the truth."

Finn studied Bellamy's face for a moment, as if he was looking for a lie, and when he couldn't find one he leaned forward. The kiss was short and simple and Bellamy wanted it to last a lifetime. Finn leaned his chin against Bellamy's shoulder and grasped Bellamy's hand in his.

"Thank you."


	3. it takes a lot to feel alive

It had been two weeks since they got back to the dropship. Two weeks since they found out Raven was dead. And one week since Bellamy had decided to fuck it and tell Finn how he felt. Feels.

They were still sharing a tent, and it was an awkward understanding among everyone in camp that they didn't talk about it. Bellamy caught people staring at the two of them, but he suspected it was because they looked like they were ready to hurt anyone who got too close. The only one who talked to them were people who had been sent to the ground with them, and even then the conversations were stilted.

Finn was still having nightmares.

They were just as ugly as the first one and left Finn in ruins when he woke up, drenched in sweat and clinging to Bellamy. He was still recovering from realizing his only family was gone, and Bellamy tried to just be there for him, to pick up the pieces where they fell. 

Time passed, so slowly, and Bellamy knew there was only so much time of peace they would get until something bad happened. He just didn't know when.

"You know people are talking about you, right?" Octavia said in greeting as she came up to them, carrying a plate of food. Lincoln was trailing in her footsteps like a lost puppy.

Bellamy snorted. "Hello to you too."

"Did you seriously threaten to kill two council members?" Octavia said with a wide grin. "And you got away with it?"

"To our defense," Finn said from his right, "we didn't know they were council members at first."

"No, if we'd known that we never would've done it. We love our council members," Bellamy promised and matched Octavia's grin. "Seriously, that's what they're talking about? I'd think they had better things to worry about than the two of us."

"Well, they're also talking about you two sharing a tent and the fact that you two never seem to be outside arm's length from each other," Octavia added with a shrug. "But that's another story."

Lincoln let out a little huff, and Bellamy looked at him with raised eyebrows, which was returned with a dark look. He knew that Lincoln didn't care for him, but he had never been that clear about it. A hand touched the small of his back, and when he cast a glance to his right he saw Finn glare back at Lincoln. It surprised him, because he always figured that Finn and Lincoln got along.

-

"Do you remember the first time we met?" Finn asked one day.

They were laying in the grass in a small clearing, not that far away from camp. Finn had his head on Bellamy's chest and Bellamy had his arm wrapped around him. The sun was setting and they both knew that it was almost time to head back. They also knew that none of them wanted to.

Bellamy froze slightly and forced his eyes to remain toward the sky. "Vaguely," he said and laughed slightly as Finn punched him loosely in the side. "Yes," he added. "I do remember. Why?"

"I followed you," Finn said quietly, and Bellamy could hear a small smile build on his face. "I had this stupid crush on you, did you know?" Bellamy shook his head. "Yeah, it seems silly now, especially since I found out you are a complete ass."

Now it was Bellamy's turn to box Finn in the side. "I'm serious," Finn laughed quietly. "You are the biggest asshole I've ever met." He raised his head and looked Bellamy in the eye. "I kinda like you anyway," he said quietly.

Bellamy was quiet for a few moments before a smile settled on his face. "Jeez," he said and rolled his eyes. "You really do know how to make a guy feel special."

Finn smacked him on his chest and huffed loudly, though a large smile was plastered on his face. "Asshole," he exclaimed. Bellamy captured his chin between his fingers and pulled him down for a kiss. Finn let out a muffled sound of surprise before he relaxed against Bellamy.

Finn's lips were chapped from too little water and rough against his own, but Bellamy didn't care because this was all he wanted. A moan slipped past his lips and he moved against Finn, didn't dare to let go of him in fear of him suddenly disappearing. There was a branch digging into his back, but it didn't matter as Finn dipped his tongue into his mouth and pressed closer. Finn's nose bumped his cheek, his hair tickled his eyelids and it was the best feeling in the world.

They kissed for what seemed forever and Bellamy held out for as long as he could, until they both had to break away for air. Finn rested against his chest, breathing heavily, and his eyes were sparkling in the ever fading light. It warmed Bellamy to the core. He thought Finn had lost it for a while.

He trailed his hand, the one not wrapped around Finn's back, over Finn's face and cupped his cheek gently. "You'll be okay," he said.

Something dark passed over Finn's face, and he buried it in the palm of Bellamy's hand. Bellamy was scared that he might've pushed too much, but he felt Finn nod against his skin before raising his eyes to meet Bellamy's.

"Someday," he replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short one this time, but at least it's updated


End file.
